It's funny how things work out. When I was younger, I was always so eager to push love away. Honestly, I never gave much thought to the reasoning behind my actions...until tonight. I was telling someone about how I wish that I could be someone's "moon","air", "shining star", or "sunshine through the rain" again. Did you ever have a boy in your life who wrote you a poem or two, or a love letter? I sure did. :)
When I was fourteen, I had my first boyfriend, but after less than twenty-four hours, I broke it off. I never gave it much thought after that. However, tonight, it is all I can think of. I'm forcing myself to look back at my teenage self and ask myself why I took such action. Was I afraid of getting in trouble? No, that storm would've passed. Was I doubtful of my beauty? No, that wasn't it either. My, oh my, what could it have been?! Ah, yes, of course, of course! I didn't deserve to be loved.
I was watching the movie, "Eat Pray Love," the other day, and I couldn't help but to tear up while Liz was visiting Italy. Do you know that scene? The one where Liz & Sophie are in the barbershop? Well, in that scene, one of the men explains the difference between Americans & Italians. We Americans? We don't know pleasure. We only know entertainment. We are told that we deserve certain things (like partying on a weekend) and when we deserve it. Italians. Bueno, Italians know pleasure. They pass by a sign that says, "You deserve a glass of wine today," and they say, "I know that already."
See, when I was fourteen and breaking up with that handsome boy, I was feeling guilty, heartbroken, and like it was the worst day of my life. I wasn't thinking about how denying someone's love for me would affect me years later. It wasn't until recently that I started accepting that others love me. It wasn't until recently that I started believing their love was real. It wasn't until recently that I started loving myself without hesitation.
Sometimes, I wonder how life would have been for me if I had been born in Italy, grown up with my mom and dad. Maybe I would've learned the pleasure of letting love be.
My wish for today is that I can come to find true pleasure in my life instead of just entertaining myself with the things around me.
Dolce Far Niente! The Sweetness of Doing Nothing...