Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Finally Free

What is freedom? Sure, we've all been told the countless stories of war heros and how they all fought for our freedom. But...what exactly is freedom?

For many years, I was angry at the world, and I just wanted to "grow up" so that I could be "free." Well, perhaps I have not quite finished "growing up," but I do have a sense of what real freedom could be like.

I wrestled with loneliness, tear-filled nights, fear, anger, and other feelings that can't be described with words. Yet, somehow, through all those weepy nights, I would find comfort and healing in only one thing. Prayer. I would cry out to God at night and ask him time and time again, "WHY?" Why did I not have a father, a mother, a brother or sister? Why did my mother have to be sick? Why couldn't I just be left alone?

See, the more questions I asked, the more answers I got. No, I'm not saying I had "visions" or dreams or hear God's voice. No. Instead, I found answers through healing and focusing more on the graces God has given me. Graces like the blessing of having such a huge family to support me when necessary or friends who bring out the best in me. In every moment of laughter I enjoyed, I found healing. Every moment of peaceful silence when I was the first to wake up in the morning, I found healing in that. Every time I opened my mouth to sing at Sunday Mass, I found healing. Slowly, but surely, I healed through the years, and I will continue the healing process until I rest with my Father in Heaven.

So...how have I come to know what freedom could be like? Well, it's simple. For every smile, laughter, moment of peaceful silence, tear-filled time, and every single thought that brings me healing, I get closer to being finally free. See, freedom isn't about being able to do what you want, or feeling exactly what you want, or getting what you want. Freedom is about accepting life as it's supposed to be: serving others and loving it along the way. Freedom is knowing that you can do something, and choosing whether it would be a good or bad idea. Freedom is knowing that no matter how badly you've messed up this time, there will always be another tomorrow and someone greater who will love you any way. Freedom is capable of just being. Freedom is ultimate love.

Totus Tuus Mariae

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